Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
