you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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