you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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