1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
