The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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