the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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