I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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