dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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