Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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