if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
