They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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