I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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