Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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