I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
