Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The Olympian is in my bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
