Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
