so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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