the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
