At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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