i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
