Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just found puke in my bra..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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