I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
