I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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