I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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