dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
