I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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