The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
