Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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