He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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