my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
