I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
