She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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