no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
