If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
