Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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