I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
