five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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