Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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