all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
