The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My ass is underappreciated
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
