evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
