just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
