No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
