I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
