OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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