Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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