That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
