Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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