life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I puked a lego.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
