Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
