Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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