I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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