What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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