dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Vodka?
Forever.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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