I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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