Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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