Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
