Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
