the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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