Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
