Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize