I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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